Enter My Excerpt Contest! The Housewife Assassin's Manners, Missiles, and Mayhem
Updated: Feb 5
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The clock is ticking as Acme covert operatives Donna and Jack Craig and their mission team traverse the country to take down the embedded Russian spies and their turned assets, who are sabotaging the United State’s missile grid.
ENTER THE LAUNCH CONTEST!
Enter to win 1 of 3 $50 gift cards to a bookstore of your choice!
Also, one of the three winners will also be randomly chosen for the GRAND PRIZE:
An autographed copy of the book;
A 6-foot American flag; and
This winner will be named as a character in my next Housewife Assassin novel.
Josie explains the explosive plot in HA22: Manners, Missiles & Mayhem
RULES
1: No purchase necessary.
2: Read the excerpt below.
Then, correctly answer this question:
How long is the arrow?
3: One entry per person.
4: If your answer is correct, within 24 hours I'll post your name below the excerpt as a “Potential Contestant.”
5: DO NOT ANSWER BELOW, OR YOU WILL BE DISQUALIFIED>
6: If your answer is wrong, your name won't appear. Never fear! You can try again. Resend the correct answer, and I'll include you in the contest.
7: Contest is worldwide.
8: All correct answers must be received no later than 11:59 PM, Sunday, February 5, 2023.
Good luck!
—Josie
EXCERPT Chapter 1
Grin and Bear It
It’s a jungle out there—
Beyond the comfort of your serene home.
Since there are no guarantees that those you meet beyond your picket fence will have been raised with the grace, courage, and wit you embody, plan to leave prepared for any emergency, including:
1: A first aid kit! Think your Fendi Baguette is complete with your favorite lipstick and embroidered hankies? Wrong! Burn cream, aspirin, an instant cold compress, various sizes of adhesive bandages, and wound closure strips aren’t fashionable, but they may save a life.
2: Self-defense weapon. A pocketknife, Mace, or 22 mag mini revolver will fit easily into your purse. Even that travel-size Poo-Pouri spray will come in handy when spritzed in your assailant’s eye.
3: A quick getaway plan. Don’t count on your GPS to guide you—especially if enemy territory may be monitored for unauthorized intruders. In fact, best lose the phone on some unsuspecting pedestrian going in the opposite direction so that your detainers lose your trail. Instead, go old school and carry a map of the territory you’ve already memorized for the ideal escape route and rendezvous point with your rescue squad. And so they can find you where X marks the spot, carry a flare gun.
(It will also make your point to any jerk who gets touchy-feely in an elevator.)
* * *
Hello Darkness, my old friend…
There is no moonlight tonight. Like Harry Potter’s invisible cloak, the inky night shrouds my daughter, Mary, and me from prying eyes.
Not that any are about. Sadly, we’re in the last few days of our mother-daughter two-week getaway, deep in the seven-hundred-acre Cleveland National Forest. We’re four hours south and east of our home in Hilldale, California, and twelve miles from the nearest town: Mesa Grande.
Mary and I have hunkered down in a thicket of pines next to a small lake fed by several creeks still flowing in late May from snow runoff. A fallen tree sheared of its branches gives us cover. Night vision goggles allow us to scan the lake’s banks for Mary’s prey: deer, which she must kill with a compound bow.
From the side of her mouth, Mary hisses: “Of all the things I’ve done these past couple of weeks, who knew my very last assignment would be killing Bambi!”
“The deer population in this park has exploded, so don’t feel guilty. Because this trip is to give you a reality check on whether you really want to get into the family business—diplomatic intelligence—I took advantage of it being deer season and secured a hunting license and two deer tags for you. The timing is perfect since you’ll be gone the rest of the summer.”
Mary snickers. “I now easily hit bullseyes in target practice. And by the way, there are very few deer inside embassies.”
“But there are a hell of a lot of assassins. So, as you learned in Girl Scouts, be prepared. In this case, that means knowing how to exterminate based on the situation and the weapon at your disposal.” I tap the bow in her hands. “Tell you what: if your first kill shot is clean, we’ll forego the second. Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” She sighs. “Well, I guess it’s better than using a rifle. Or my Sig Sauer.”
I shake my head. “Way too easy. Hey, you’re lucky I don’t want you to stun it or trap it and then cut its throat. Or worse yet, blow it to bits with a land mine.”
“You know, any other mom would have taken her daughter for a spa weekend,” Mary mutters.
“All the more reason you’ve impressed me by sticking it out. This past week you’ve learned vital survival skills. Not one task I’ve thrown at you has phased you. And don’t forget: you beat me twice at hand-to-hand combat.”
“After being bested by you, what, the first hundred times?” Mary reminds me.
“And you can now live off the land,” I point out. “You’ve even improved on my rabbit stew, not to mention you’ve identified seven deadly poisons and now know how to use them effectively.”
“I still have nightmares about killing those rats,” she counters.
“Next time, we won’t secure our tent against them, and then let’s see how you feel about the critters. As for other new skills in your intelligence repertoire, you now know Morse code—”
“Which I use in my sleep, apparently,” Mary grouses. “Sorry I woke you those first few nights.”
“No problem, honey,” I assure her. “Though the message was a bit perplexing—something about waterboarding me…which brings up another of your great new skills! You can hold your breath for almost three minutes underwater.”